Why i am okay with not being perfect
I had a light bulb moment a while back on wondering why i procrastinate a lot. I do take on a lot of projects and keep myself busy. To the outside world i look effortlessly motivated but this isn't always the case. I am a chronic procrastinator which i have come to realise is due to me being a perfectionist. This has never been a term i previously associated with at all so this came as a shock to me!
Perfectionist traits
You believe that only by making everything perfect on the outside will you feel peace and serenity on the inside.
If you continually achieve, acquire and look good doing it, you will be successful and happy.
It was my daughter Courtney a few years back who pointed out to me that i couldn't even sit and watch television without feeling bad that i wasn't doing something productive. I used a lot of 'should' statements. I should be doing this, I should be doing that. Always stressing that i was not good enough if i wasn't learning something, exercising, cleaning the house and generally being busy.
I realised that no matter what i achieve in my life i never thought i was good enough.
Trying to figure out why lead to me researching the perfectionist. I have been setting myself endless goals thinking that once i achieve them i will be truly happy.
I now choose to be happy and realise i am good enough right now.
Struggling with depression over the years has led me to read many self-help, life coaching, postive and motivational books. I have learnt a lot on my journey of self-discovery.
I realise through daily meditation that is was actually time doing nothing that i needed more than anything. Time to be in the moment instead of always looking ahead and setting future goals.
Now i have a healthy balance between setting future goals and being happy in the moment. I look out for 'should' statements and try to banish them from my vocabulary for good. I am good enough right now. I am happy to be imperfect.
Amanda McWilliams
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Recognising unhealthy perfectionism traits
Does life has to be perfect before you are happy?
Do you have to behave in a perfect way and get perfect results to be happy?
Then happiness will not be easy to find. Setting the bar for your performance at an inhuman level usually leads to low self-esteem and feeling like you are not good enough even though you may have had a lot of good or excellent results. You and what you do is never enough good enough except maybe once in a while when feels like something goes just perfect.
Check yourself. Are you thinking perfection all the time? What if you don’t reach perfection? Will you be happy, healthy, and alive? Will others still love you? Will you still be a good person? If you understand that thoughts can come and go, you will start to realize that perfectionist thoughts can be harmful and they can be released. Check to make sure that while your standards are being met, you are not preoccupied with perfection. Flawed people are great, too.
Focus out, not in. Focusing on ourselves too much can breed insecurity, which in turn breeds perfectionism. Instead of focusing inward, reach out to family, friends, and strangers to see what else the world has to offer. Take a class, help a friend, volunteer, teach, garden, or build something to give away. Perfectionism loves inwardly focused people. Open yourself up.
Fail. Try something new with the intention of being bad at it. Paint a picture and laugh at how ridiculous it is. Talk to a stranger with the understanding that if he or she ignores you, at least you tried! Failing is a vital step to get rid of perfectionism because you learn that failing isn’t as bad as you thought. In fact, it can be fun! If you are always trying to be perfect, it can paralyze you to never try anything. So go out there and fail!
Perfectionists strain compulsively and unceasingly toward unobtainable goals, and measure their self-worth by productivity and accomplishment. Pressuring oneself to achieve unrealistic goals inevitably sets the person up for disappointment. Perfectionists tend to be harsh critics of themselves when they fail to meet their standards.
Here are some hallmarks of a perfectionist belief system:
As a person you are not okay as you are.
No matter what you achieve, the feelings of satisfaction are temporary. There is always more to do, be, accomplish.
Things are either black or white- no vaguely defined area of in between or close enough. Things in your life are either right or wrong, good or bad success or failure
You believe that only by making everything perfect on the outside will you feel peace and serenity on the inside.
If you continually achieve, acquire and look good doing it, you will be successful and happy.
When things go wrong or you do not achieve at a certain level, you have failed.
Effort and intention are not enough. Results must be productive and successful. Focus is on product, not process.
You are extremely competitive about almost everything
You imagine others admire and value you only for your high level of achievement and production.
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A perfectionist's core internal belief tends to be they are not good enough or special the way they are. They believe their value comes from perfect production, achievement and service in every aspect of their life. When one feels like they have to constantly earn their place as “good” in the world, it means living with a deeper sense that you don’t deserve to just exist and be loved for who you are.
The key point is that perfectionism grows from a point of feeling not only imperfect, but deeply flawed and therefore, unlovable.
If you have to constantly re-earn or re-prove your worth—even if it’s to yourself—you are running on a never-ending treadmill of external achievements that will not bring you a joy that lasts. The thing to always keep in mind is that true internal acceptance and peace does not come from changing what is outside of you.
Remember lasting change always entails shifting and understanding what’s inside of you.
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